Fifty Shades of Grey Live-Blog Wrap Up: Part 1

Woo-hoo, no more reading 50SoG! What a great feeling! I no longer feel like the butt plug of Damocles is hanging over my head.

I’d like to write an afterword, unlike E. L. James. Let’s start with My Fifty Shades of Grey Experience.

BLOGGING experience, that is.

I hated reading the book, but I found writing about it to be therapeutic to a point. The point in question being the point at which I started hiding under my covers and praying my Nook would spontaneously purge the file, of course.

Of course, I’d be lying if I said 50SoG didn’t help my blog stats. I went from getting 25 hits a day if I was lucky to nearly 300! I’d feel cheap about it, but my intention wasn’t to raise my profile. I just wanted to lampoon a terrible book for the benefit of my friends and family, who honestly make up most of my readership. Next thing I knew, though, the list of search terms leading people to my blog suddenly included the words “infinite reads,” meaning people were actually specifically looking for my site.

Or for infinite books. Who knows?

Anyway, speaking of search terms, I’ve been keeping an eye on the list, and some of them make me chuckle, so I thought I’d do a highlight reel. The most popular term leading readers to my blog is some variation on “What’s the big deal about Fifty Shades of Grey?”, but some readers get much more specific.

The Big Question: “What chapter does Fifty Shades of Grey get dirty?”

I spent the first seven chapters asking myself the same question.

The Searcher Who Deserves an Apology: “rococo four poster bed”

This person just wanted to do a little online antiquing. Instead, he/she wound up in the middle of me detailing Christian’s playroom. Sorry, person! (Alternate possibility: this person was reading 50SoG and needed a visual of the bed.)

This Exists?: “genital clamps wiki”

There is literally a wiki for everything, I am now convinced.

The Searcher Who Led a Sheltered Childhood: “What does bluebeard mean in fifty shades of grey”

Ooooh-kay. So, there’s this really creepy fairy tale about a sweet, innocent girl who marries a charming rich man. She has the run of his vast estate as long as she never opens a certain locked room. Of course, being in an era in which women lacked fulfilling employment to keep them occupied, the girl gets bored and unlocks the room, only to find the corpses of Bluebeard’s former wives. When he finds out she’s peeked behind Door Number One, Bluebeard intends to kill the girl, but her brothers show up just in time to save her life.

In light of this story, Ana’s lucky that all Christian has hidden is a room full of toys, but unlucky because she has no brothers. By the way, in no version of Bluebeard I’ve ever read are pigtails mentioned.

The OCD Searcher: “glinting shackles”

You heard the man (or woman.) Polish ’em til they shine!

Another burning question: “does christian grey have a big penis”

Answer: If you trust the assessment of a virgin, sure!

The Eventually Disappointed Reader: “What does christian put in anas navel in her bedroom”

Not what you were thinking, bucko.

The Advice Seeker: “how to deal with your boyfriend when he gets moody about your clothes”

Sorry, it’s not that kind of blog.

The Bet Settler: “does christian lick ana’s ass”

No. Thank the Lord.

A Soulmate: “kate is better than ana”

Yes. Yes, she is.

Most Random: “inner goddess dances salsa, condom, cupboard handles”

And finally…

Most WTF: “bdsm cinderella”

I…don’t even want to know.

So, despite the boost in popularity from blogging 50SoG, the flipside is that people are finding my blog via search terms like “ben wa balls.” Not exactly the future I envisioned when I started this project!

That’s it for now. Tune in next time for the second half of the wrap-up: What to Read Next, or, Fan Service.

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