What’s the Big Deal?: Fifty Shades of Grey Live Blogging Edition, Chapter 21

I’m back! I mean, really back, not “Oh crap I have to publish that pre-scheduled post right now” back. Remember that dream job interview? Guess what? THEY HIRED ME! I am over-the-moon thrilled and cannot wait to get started, but first I have to move to Idaho. You know, 1,300 mile move, minor detail type thing. I’m exhausted from making preparations and nerve-wracked from trying to find a rental property that will allow a couple of dogs, in a college town, in mid-August when nearly all the rentals are rented. I’m not complaining, I just want you all to understand why I’m only doing one chapter in this post instead of my usual Speedy Gonzales method of 2 to 3 at a time.

To make up for the lack of content, here is the best meme of all time:

 

I don’t know why Gaston is so surprised Belle’s reading 50SoG, which is tame by her standards. We’re talking about someone who’s into Beast-iality. Get it? Get it? You get it.

By the way, Beauty and the Beast: Now there’s a love story I can get behind. Boy meets girl. Boy is an ass. Girl says, “Quit being an ass.” Boy actually quits being an ass, which most heroes never manage, so he can build relationship with girl. Enchanted furniture and utensils battle a French lynch mob, girl tells boy she loves him, boy turns into…boy, and we all go dancing! That’s romance, folks. That’s magic.

 

But you’re not here to read about my B&tB fangirldom! You’re here for…

Fifty Shades of Grey

by E. L. James

The Writer’s Coffee Shop Publishing House, $9.99 Nook book, ISBN-10 1612130291

When last we saw our spankbirds, they… Oh wow. I don’t remember. Hooray! I’m capable of wiping 50SoG from my brain! What a relief! Okay, I have to go read my last post…

Okay, last time on 50SoG, Ana met Christian’s parents sans culottes, experienced Christian’s (ben wa) balls, and happily indulged his neurotic need for anger sex after he flipped his shit because she dared to consider visiting her mother in Georgia without consulting him. Funny, he never had a problem with her going down south before! Oh, also he promised to tell her why she can’t touch him and then didn’t tell her. Christian, keep secrets? Never!

Chapter 21: Ana Discovers Travelocity.

Ana wakes up to a face full of brilliant sunlight in the rainiest metropolis in our nation. She makes sure to tell us she’s in Christian’s bed, as though she’s ever anywhere else. As soon as she achieves total consciousness, Ana starts obsessing over the revelation that Christian’s mother was a crack whore. Why does she find this so surprising? The Greys adopted him as a toddler, not as an infant. When a toddler needs a new home, something more than a simple case of teen pregnancy is afoot. And hey, wait! That still doesn’t explain why she can’t touch him!

Technically, she’s right, and promising to tell her but backing out is a jerk move. However, if Ana had a brain the size of a walnut instead of a sunflower seed, she would put crack whore mother and abusive childhood and small circular chest scars together to come up with: someone put cigarettes out on Christian’s tiny abused toddler chest and now he can’t stand anyone touching him. I’m certainly no expert on child abuse and even I can figure this one out!

Ana gets up, feeling “well used.” Oh, honey. Well-used, ill-used…let’s just go with used, ‘kay? She and her inner goddess angst about the contract that she’s now promised to sign at least twice and still has not signed.

Ana runs into Christian’s housekeeper (surprise! another attractive blond vampire woman) and panics because she’s wearing Christian’s shirt and nothing else. She knows he has servants. If she’s so modest, why doesn’t she put on some pants?

Her paranoid jealousy causes Ana to wonder if all the beautiful blonds on Christian’s payroll are his former submissives. Yes, Ana, your boyfriend secretly keeps an army of sex slaves to dust his piano and buy Bisquick. Actually, I see her point. Christian would totally do that.

Ana finds Christian babbling pseudo-business drivel into his cell phone, also known as a full day’s work for Christian Grey. “Have Marco call me, it’s shit or bust time…” Oh, please tell me that’s a figure of speech and that Marco isn’t going to show up with an enema bag! Oh my gosh, and he wants to “Schedule Barney and his team after Marco or maybe tomorrow, and find time for me to see Claude every day this week…” Since we never see him do any real work, I’m not sure we can assume these guys are business associates, at least not in the literal sense.

Christian smiles at Ana and her insides liquify. Christian acts quickly and summons the paramedics, but no medical professional on earth can reconstitute liquified organs, so Ana dies, Christian never learns to love again, and the book is over.

Kidding! Well, I’m kidding about everything except Ana claiming her insides have liquified.

They make out, complete with butt fondling, and luckily aren’t interrupted by the housekeeper, who has gone home for the day if she has any sense. Christian asks if Ana would like to shower or have sex on his desk, and I don’t think I have to tell you which adventure she chooses. Naturally Christian has a condom in his pocket. Maybe he expected to get lucky again, but I have this feeling that Christian always has a condom in his pocket. He does that weird cowboy-speak again (“I sure hope you’re ready”) and they’re soon boinking away. “It’s so raw, so carnal, making me so wanton…” It’s so full of adjectives that manage to describe nothing effectively! Everything stiffens and quivers and Ana has her usual near-religious experience. Yawn. Christian reminds Ana that she is his. Yawn. Christian reminds Ana that she has only had sex with him. Yawn. Christian tells Ana he likes knowing that she is sore from sex. Um…sadist.

Ana asks Christian if he’s had sex on his desk before. You know what? Don’t ask a question if you don’t want an answer. Of course he’s had sex on his desk before! He’s a sex fiend. Desk, office chair, floor, piano, stairwell, elevator, planes, trains, and automobiles… For all his talk of firsts, Christian’s been around the block a few million times. Ana is not going to break any ground on that score. Still, she immediately starts to pout about things that happened before he even knew her and huffs that she’s going to take a shower. Instead, she mopes around until he asks what’s wrong, and then she tells him he’s being weirder than usual. He tells her “that was an unexpected treat.” Wait, what was the treat? The sex or being called weird? I should not have to work so hard at using context clues!

Ana whines internally because the desk sex wasn’t “emotionally enriching,” which is interesting because I’ve always heard bumping around on a hard surface and trying not to accidentally staple any body parts is the most intimate experience two lovers can share.

Christian gets all distant after sex as usual, and Ana puzzles. “He seemed fine…and then he wasn’t.” She is such a simpleton! The light was red…and then it was green. Awesome observational skills.

Blah blah blah about how her outfit got laundered between last night and now. Why is Ana always worrying about whether last night’s outfit is clean in the morning? Does E. L. James think readers will be appalled if Ana has to put on the clothes she wore eight hours ago without a wash? If so, there’s this thing called an overnight bag. Ana should look into the concept.

Christian offers to let Ana take his private jet to Georgia, but she prefers to buy her own ticket “–over the Internet.” Yes, she inserts a pause before mentioning this amazing, brand-new, 17-years-of-widespread-public-access phenomenon of — the Internet. Christian whines, Ana refuses. Christian gripes because Ana won’t tell him where she’s going to interview (hi, random subject change). Ana still doesn’t tell him. He says he’ll get someone to track her phone and she wonders if he’s joking, despite the fact that he used cell phone tracking to hunt her down like a wounded and highly schnockered doe about 16 chapters ago.

She asks again why he doesn’t like to be touched. He will only say that she knows more than anyone, so she wonders who else he told, because obviously if only she knows, then other people must also know. That makes sense. Anyway, did he tell Hester the Molester? But she can’t ask because that would be prying. Why can’t I touch your horribly scarred chest? Not prying. Does Hester the Molester know your secret? Prying! Prying alert! Just like: Are you gay? Unacceptable! Are you celibate? Polite conversation.

Ana tells Christian she’ll miss him when she’s away, because he’s gotten “under my skin…literally.” Under her skin? Folks, not how sex is supposed to work!

Later, Ana goes to her second interview after mercifully not detailing the first one. She sees a receptionist with “a bohemian look about her, the sort of woman I could be friendly with.” Because 1) Ana chooses friends solely based on appearance just as she chooses men solely based on appearance and 2) with her love of literature, sexual prudishness, and sweatpants, Ana is so bohemian!

While she waits, she internally gripes because Christian is making her take her laptop and cell phone to Georgia, and he walked her “all the way down to my car in the garage.” Miles and miles, I’m sure. What a herculean effort. By the way, Ana pisses me off. Christian doesn’t care about me and never pays any attention to me! Wah! Christian cares about me and is paying attention to me! Wah! Which do you want?! Make up your frigging excuse for a mind!

Interview happens. When they ask Ana about her college extracurricular activities, she mentions her “librarianship at the campus central library.” Whoa, unexpected! 21-year-old undergraduate Ana is qualified to work as an academic librarian? When exactly did she find time to get her MLIS, and how did she do it without ever using the Internet? Truly, she puts Nancy Pearl to shame. As it turns out, between her “librarianship,” interviewing Christian, working in a hardware store, and never reading a single modern book, Ana is more than qualified for an internship at this publishing house! Hooray for reality!

Back at the manse, Kate is unpacking and looking “gorgeous.” She tilts her head to one side and Ana freaks out, wondering why everyone reminds her of her “favorite Fifty Shades?” I didn’t realize she had more than one Fifty Shades, as seems to be implied. Also, if all it takes to remind her of Christian and get her turned on is an inquisitive head tilt, Ana better stay the hell away from my border collie, is all I’m sayin’.

Ana breaks off their conversation about her interviews midsentence because Kate is listening and demonstrating interest as good friends do. Clearly she has an ulterior motive and will find a way to use this utterly boring information to embarrass Ana later. That bitch!

Ana and Kate discuss Christian, because 98% of their conversations revolve around him despite the fact that they’re both in a new city with new jobs and a new place. Kate tries to figure out what’s going on between Ana and Christian to make Ana even moodier than usual (which is saying something) and when she can’t, she tells Ana that she and Christian need to communicate. Honestly, I wish they wouldn’t. Every time they start communicating, the scene gets gross, awkward, or beyond the reality of human interaction.

Oh, no! Email exchange. Barf-a-larf. Here’s a condensed version:

A: My interview went well if you’re interested. (trans: I’m passive-aggressively pointing out your lack of interest.)

C: You’re the most fascinating woman ever and desk sex is awesome, but work is like totally boring.

A: Desk sex is awesome, but you got weird, yo. Also, I want to ask about the housekeeper but am afraid of you weirding out.

C: You shouldn’t say weirding if you’re going to be in publishing (said no one to E. L. James) and what about the housekeeper?

A: Language evolves so I can say what I want (despite my obsession with antiquated novels and loathing for popular culture) and is your housekeeper a former sex slave?

C: How dare you! I would never have sexual relations with an employee (never mind how I tried to hire you solely so I could get into your pants.) Except I might still hire you if you want, but not because of sex. You’re so smart.

A: I don’t want to work for you. Gtg, Kate bought dinner. Call you from Mom’s.

C: K, fly safe!

Kate takes Ana to the airport, where they hug several more times than I’ve ever hugged anyone who dropped me at the airport, including my mother.

On the plane, Ana finds out that Christian has upgraded her to first class! What a prick! What a control freak! First he brings her juice and Advil when she has a hangover and now this travesty? At least he makes up for it by beating her. Harrumph.

End o’ chapter! Tune in next time, when Ana’s plane will hopefully lose engines somewhere over Kansas.

Hey, kids! Are you a 50SoG fan who stumbled into this blog by mistake and are now considering flaming me? Don’t get mad, try retail therapy with this lovely piece of 50SoG memorabilia at Etsy! (Please note that while I am making fun of 50SoG fans, I am not making fun of this artisan’s work. Gotta love the HP bracelet!)

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