What’s the Big Deal?: Fifty Shades of Grey Live Blog Edition, Chapters 9-10

Warning: the smut barrier has been breached. I repeat, the smut barrier has been breached. (And by smut barrier, I mean Ana’s hymen.)  Any and all posts past this point will contain graphic, dirty, grown-ups-only sex talk.

Everybody still with me? I thought as much. Let’s do it.

Fifty Shades of Grey

by E. L. James

The Writer’s Coffee Shop Publishing House, $9.99 Nook book, ISBN-10 1612130291

On the last episode of Greys of Our Lives, Ana discovered Christian’s BDSM fetish but stuck around to give him her virginity, resulting in an unparalleled three orgasms. I say unparalleled both because it took them this long to have sex, and because no one actually has three orgasms their first time. Ana might hold a record. Someone call Guinness! They can squeeze her in between “world’s smallest horse” and “world’s longest fingernails.”

Chapter 9:  So You Slept with a Billionaire Freak.

Ana stares at Christian while he sleeps. She doesn’t want to wake him, partly because she likes to stare and partly because as long as he’s asleep, she doesn’t have to worry about what he’s thinking. Ladies, if you need to stay one step ahead of your man for any reason other than planning a surprise party, it’s time to look at your choices.

Ana gets up to deal with her “bathroom needs,” which I hope to gosh doesn’t mean she’s going to go take a quick hit of his shower gel. Girl needs a 12-step group for soapaholism. She accidentally winds up in his closet instead of the bathroom, where his huge wardrobe reminds her of Kate. Hm… She’s in the closet, and she’s thinking of Kate…

Nah, I’m sure it doesn’t mean a thing.

Instead of peeing in his closet, which would not surprise me at this point, Ana tries another door and gets the bathroom. As it turns out, her “bathroom needs” consist of staring at herself in the mirror and thinking about…herself. Do I look different now that I’m sexually active? Why am I so sore? Oh yeah, because I lead a sedentary lifestyle. Her subconscious berates her in almost exactly the same words I would use, including a big “ARE YOU CRAZY?”, and Ana stares in the mirror more, thinking about Christian’s “Red Room of Pain.” I think she means, “Red Womb of Pain.” After a whole two seconds of serious thought, she moves on to worrying about her sex hair! Where are those hair ties? More importantly, has this girl even heard of conditioner? After calling Kate and leaving a message, Ana tries to “categorize and analyze my feelings for Christian Grey” but fails, probably because no one is there to tell her what to think and feel.

Then she puts her hair in pigtails to ward off “Bluebeard,” as we’re now calling the man with whom she had enthusiastic sex last night. Why she thinks looking more vulnerable will ward off a sadistic control freak, I have no idea.

Ana whips up a full breakfast in Christian’s fancy kitchen, once she figures out how to open the cupboard doors. No handles = Ana-proof. Christian comes in and tells her the pigtails won’t protect her. (See?) He makes a bad pun about liking his eggs “beaten.” Ana gives a lot of detail about setting the table, and then they eat, Christian immediately wanting to know if she’s too sore to continue “basic training” and pushing her to eat, eat, eat. Feeder much?

Ana hopes today’s training will involve oral sex. Christian tells her today’s training will involve oral sex. She chokes on her tea in shock and poor editing. He gripes at her about food again and decides they should take a bath.

Kate calls and demands to know where Ana is and what she’s doing, then wants the details. However, since Ana signed an NDA, she can’t tell Kate…because if she hadn’t, of course she would be gushing forth. She is such an open person! After the phone call, she asks Christian if she can ask Kate about sexual mechanics, but he would prefer to be her sole source of booty info.

Ana asks if his family knows about his fetish. What a reasonable question! Of course he has regular conversations with them about it:

And then I beat her with the riding crop, Mother. I get so hard when she yelps.

That’s nice, dear. Would you like more potatoes?

Christian tells her he’s never had “vanilla sex” until last night, just kinky BDSM sex. Hey, does that mean he could develop a fetish for the missionary position?

They take a bath in his “very designer” tub with “expensive-looking bath oil.” I cannot tell how expensive bath oil is by looking at it. I didn’t watch The Price is Right much. Christian gripes and glares at Ana for biting her lip and making him aroused when she’s too sore for sex. He gives her explicit instructions on getting into the tub, which comes in handy since she almost brings her iPod in with her, and tells her she’s “the whole package” when she’s shy about his ogling, because “it’s a real joy” to look at her. Well, ain’t that real nice of him?

Mutual lathering…she’s panting against him as he reaches for a washcloth. I don’t think I’d get that excited from someone washing my underarms, but different strokes. Eventually he washes “this most private part of myself,” which Ana loves until he stops, citing “other plans.” Also known as, Stop enjoying yourself and come play with my penis.

Despite the fact that she just saw it last night, Ana’s mouth drops open when she sees his erection, the perfect attitude for the oral lesson. Christian tells her to get on “first name terms” with his “favorite and most cherished part.” I told you, if he named the helicopter, you can be sure he’s named the penis. He doesn’t give its actual name, but he does make a bad pun about being attached to it.

Christian gives her some guidance on manual stimulation, but when she goes in for the blowjob, she needs no advice. She’s thrilled to realize, “I can fuck him with my mouth.” Way to stand up for girl power. As Ana continues to suck on her “very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle,” which somehow sounds less appealing than grape or cherry, her so-called “inner goddess” starts doing Latin dance moves.

You know how her subconscious often screams at Ana for making bad decisions and tells her what a loathsome waste of space she is? Well, this inner goddess creature started making appearances recently and seems to be the exact opposite. While the subconscious says, Get your shit together, the inner goddess says, Put out! Then she dances. Ana has a traditionally Freudian id-ego-superego structure to her personality, but the three aspects operate independently, the id and the superego inundating Ana with suggestions and criticism. She does need intensive therapy, and not because she asked Christian if he’s gay.

Back at Tubs ‘n’ Tail, Ana swallows, complete with description. I’ll spare you guys. Suffice to say, she’s grossed out but decides it’s sexy because he liked it. Christian praises her lack of a gag reflex and is surprised she’s so proficient at something she’s never done before. I’m surprised, too. I honestly thought Ana didn’t have any talent!

He drags her off to the bedroom, pleads with her to say yes to his contract, and ties her wrists together with a necktie. Cover image explained! He tells her to hold still and kisses her all over, eventually moving on to more foot-licking, until Ana realizes he’s going to kiss her “there.” Ana can say “erection” all day long but has trouble using her words when it comes to her own body. Any mention of her genitals is couched in terms such as “down there,” “between my legs,” or “most private part.” Vagina. Labia. Clitoris. Why is that so scary?

Christian leads into oral sex with a lot of nose-work. Ana’s so embarrassed, she hardly notices when he mentions that perhaps they’ll keep her pubic hair. I’m sure she’d ordinarily be relieved to hear she might not have to get her hair ripped out by the roots on a waxing table, since she doesn’t even like shaving her legs.

Oral sex commences with the best euphemism yet: “that small, potent powerhouse at the apex of my thighs.” Cli-tor-is, Ana. Someone get this girl a hand mirror and a diagram.

Ana has an orgasm, Christian breaks out the condoms, and ten seconds later, Ana has an orgasm again. In the aftermath, she decides she’ll do anything for Christian, because like any girl with her first “real” boyfriend, Ana doesn’t know the difference between sex and love.

Then Christian’s mother shows up.

Chapter 10: Meet the Parents. Pretend to Know Nothing about Dungeons.

Christian pulls out and tells Ana it’s time to meet his mother, never mind the fact that her only option is to wear his clothing since hers is…I don’t even know where hers is. Let’s see, they got naked in the bedroom. She put on his shirt when she got up. Now they’re back in the bedroom. Shouldn’t her clothes actually be in the bedroom?

Oh, wait, her clothes are in the bedroom. She’s panicking because she has no clean clothes. I don’t see how her clothes from last night got so dirty. She didn’t spend much time in them.

With no choice, Ana dons her barely-worn clothes. Because she can’t stand wearing dirty underwear, Ana throws on a pair of Christian’s boxer-briefs. Way better decision than going commando. I’m sure those won’t look weird and bunchy at all. She scrapes her “just-fucked pigtails” into a ponytail and goes out to meet Dr. Grace Trevalyan-Grey, Christian’s mom. Almost immediately, Ana’s phone rings and she takes the call, in the middle of meeting his mother! Way to make a first impression.

Oh, hey, it’s José! Remember that guy? He blurts out “Dios mio!” like a good little racially diverse secondary character and tries to apologize, or as Ana says, whines. She hangs up on him.

Christian’s mom wanted to have lunch with him, but since he’s busy, she leaves. Wow! She certainly added to the scene by showing up and immediately leaving again. E. L. James has a real gift for capturing human interaction. The characters all seem so natural.

Christian gives Ana the third degree about her 10-second conversation with José, then turns sweet again as he asks her to sign a contract to be his love slave, and also to do some Internet research on BDSM. Internet? Ana doesn’t have a computer! She’s been borrowing Kate’s laptop all this time. Geez, car, apartment, laptop…Kate needs to keep her eye on Elliot before Ana borrows him, too.

Ana says she needs to make a call, and Christian gets all pissy and tells her he doesn’t like to share. Uh, she’s calling her roommate, you crazy. I love how he tells her he doesn’t do the girlfriend thing and then has a hissy fit when she speaks to another man on the phone, and hangs up on him.

On their way to the car, Ana asks him again if she can please talk to Kate about sex, and he reluctantly agrees. I cannot wait for that conversation. He does add that she can’t talk about BDSM, though, because Kate would have his balls, and Ana agrees that she doesn’t want to think about Kate with Christian’s balls. Anyone else getting a she-male mental picture?

Christian says he can’t wait for Ana to sign the contract and stop “defying” him, you know, by asking questions and answering her phone. They get in a fancy sports car and drive while listening to Bruce Springsteen. Ana tells Christian she’s not hungry, so he takes her out to eat and orders wine for her when she wanted a Diet Coke. Ana’s astounded when their waitress is attracted to Christian. Total shocker! Who would be attracted to a “Greek god” or an “Adonis”? He sounds hideous.

Over lunch, Christian tells Ana that his mother liked her, largely because she’s relieved to know Christian isn’t gay. What is it with this prejudiced family? He also tells her he’s never introduced a woman to his mother, slept with anyone, or had sex in his own bed. In other words, this is the closest he’s ever gotten to a normal relationship. As usual, Ana is flattered and I’m disturbed.

As the waitress flounces around in a huff because Christian isn’t flirting with her while on a date with another woman (anyone else recognize this scene from Twilight? because I do), Christian reveals a deep secret to Ana: one of his mother’s friends seduced him when he was 15! He was her submissive for six years! He doesn’t think it was molestation at all!

I’ve been trying to do the open mind thing about the BDSM, although we haven’t actually seen any so far, but I draw the line at a grown woman beating a teenage boy and sexually subjugating him. Also, I thought BDSM was something a lot of couple experimented with and enjoyed. What’s with making kinky out to be a side effect of mental damage?

Christian starts griping at Ana to eat again. Actually, although Christian is being a jerk, I’m not sure we’ve seen Ana eat more than two bites in the entire book even though they’re constantly having meals. I think she might be Ana-rexic.

They decide to meet again on Wednesday after Ana does some research, and he takes her home, leaving her with a copy of his contract. As a parting shot, she tells him she’s wearing his underwear. See, she’s already getting kinkier. She’s experimenting with cross-dressing.

Kate greets Ana with worry and enthusiasm, and they have their first real girl talk so far, Ana confessing that Christian brought her to orgasm, and Kate telling a horror story about how her first time sucked and Ana was so right to wait. Theme of Twilight: Wait until marriage. Theme of 50SoG: Wait until rich hot dude.

The girl talk meanders on, getting dull. Kate’s so happy with Elliot, she almost can’t stand to leave for two weeks on a vacation with her family to Barbados. It’s a hard knock life.

José calls again, determined to apologize. Ana tells him how it is. He asks if she’s with Christian, and she tells him she’s not with anybody. Um, I’m pretty sure she was with Christian. Several times. In multiple positions. José asks if it’s the money, and Ana throws an indignant fit, probably because it is the money. She decides she can’t deal with his petty jealousy because Christian’s petty jealousy got there first and tells him they can get coffee later. Shaking off annoying guys by getting coffee with them: Works every time.

Hearing the story about José’s drunken make-out attempt, Kate asks, “What was the stupid fool thinking?” I know, Kate! Right? Why is he wasting his time on Ana? What a stupid fool!

They pack, they eat, Elliot calls, all the mundane details of life blather on across pages…

Ana thinks about Christian (obsessed much?). No wonder he is so messed up! An older woman molested him! Otherwise, he would never want such weird, perverted sex acts from her. Hear that? Normal people don’t do BDSM, so if this book is giving you ideas, go to therapy. You were probably molested.

Kate warns Ana again that she has a bad feeling about Christian. Sorry, Kate, but you took the sane brother. Ana’s stuck with Christian now. Admitting inwardly that Kate is right, Ana opens the envelope. And the winner is…..Gladiator!

No, I kid. She opens the envelope with the contract in it. Next time, we’ll discuss whether or not this contract marks the first use of the term “butt plug” in a formal document. See you then!

Fun fact: Kate’s middle name is Agnes. Ana’s middle name is Rose. They’re geriatric chic.